


It's Like I'm Frozen ,But The World Still Turns.

by harmonyangeldreamer



Category: One Direction
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2018-10-25 19:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10770462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harmonyangeldreamer/pseuds/harmonyangeldreamer
Summary: Zayn found himself tumbling into depression as the OTRA tour progress , falling deeper and deeper into a dark pit,  until he felt there was no way out.This story ties in with "Stumbling through the dark." as it's Zayn's version of what happened when he left the band then found Niall was extremely ill.A Zayn Malik SickficTrigger warnings for Depression, Self Harming, Suicide. Please don't read if affected.





	1. The Spaces Between Us

Zayn was in sombre mood. Even Liam and Louis' clowning around with their ever wilder water fights on stage, failed to make him smile. He looked over at the sea of screaming fans, half heartedly waving at them. To smile was too much of an effect, just getting himself on stage every night was growing harder and harder. He just wanted to hide away from the world, disappear into the woodwork where he couldn't be found. Finally the concert came to an end and he followed the others off backstage.

"I'm buzzin. That was a great show" Niall was still on an adrenaline high and was almost bouncing off the walls of the dressing room he shared with Zayn. Zayn merely nodded, silent. "You alright, bro?" Niall studied his bandmate carefully. You look sick". Zayn muttered he was fine just tired before announcing he was going back to the tour bus. Head down, shoulder bowed, he left the room, leaving Niall to stare after him. How could Zayn be tired? He'd spent most of the day shut into his bunk space, curtain drawn. Niall shrugged dismissively and headed to shower to rid himself of the sweat he was covered in from the show. 

The tour bus was empty when Zayn arrived. He grabbed some clean boxers and headed to the small shower room the bus had. Once the water was running, he stood under it and released the tears he had been suppressing for hours. They slid down his face , mingling with the water from the shower. Even when the water was running cold, he still stood there , too apathetic to move. Eventual the sounds of the others entering the bus penetrated his mind and he quickly shut the water off and towelled dry. Swiftly pulling on his boxers, he made a beeline for his bunk and pulled the black curtain closed, shutting himself in from prying eyes. He just wanted to be left alone.

The four other lads looked at Zayn's disappearing figure then at each other. Zayn had been acting very oddly for some time but these last few days, it had seemed he had become far more intense. He avoided conversation, barely spoke and there was an increasingly wide gulf between him and his bandmates. And even his appearance was changing. Zayn, who was so particular about his hair, had allowed it to grown to the point where it was unkempt. Even Lou's offer to style it was rebuffed. Zayn just didn't seem to care. 

Eventually all the boys were in their bunks, the post show energy had finally drained away and the it was very quiet on the bus, just the soft snores and rustling on bedcovers from time to time. Nobody was awake to hear the subdued crying that came from Zayn's bunk. Zayn put on his small reading light. He had a fear of the dark normally but now it was increased. This time the darkness was consuming him, inch by inch and he felt like he was slowly dying. The darkness was just swallowing him up.


	2. Los Angeles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N this is pure fiction. I have no idea what really happened and I doubt we'll ever know the complete truth unless the boys ever tell us.They've said a few things but I always felt there was far more.

Zayn heard the sound of movement so he stifled his sobs. The curtain that blocked his bunk from the corridor swished gently open then someone climbed into his bunk behind him. The curtain swished closed again. Zayn was turned away so couldn't see who it was. He kept his eyes tightly shut, feigning sleep in the hopes who ever it was would go away. As they spooned him from behind, it was easy to tell it was someone smaller than him , so not Liam or Harry. Louis maybe? He felt the ridge of a scar behind his knee as whoever it was tucked their legs behind his. Niall! A warm body snuggled closer to him and small arms snaked around his waist. " Try and sleep, bro" a soft irish accent bid him. Slowly Zayn felt himself relaxing and he drifted to sleep.

 

When he woke up, Niall was gone. Zayn reluctantly climbed out of his bunk and followed the sounds of quiet voices to the small kitchen. Harry, Liam , Louis and Niall were all there, mugs of tea before them, talking in subdued tones. They looked up abruptly and stopped talking as Zayn entered and Niall's face flamed scarlet. It was obvious from their reactions he had been the topic of conversation. He walked to the tea kettle and got himself a drink before sitting down next to them. He made no effort to talk. He felt no motivation. 

 

Louis sat and stared at Zayn under his lowered eyelids. His bandmate was so thin, he had become gaunt. He was always restlessly moving and he had dark circles under his eyes. His hair had grown so long that it all but obscured his face. It gave Louis the idea that Zayn had somehow was using it to hide from them. He was puzzled. He and Zayn used to be like a pair of shoes, always together. Zayn was his wingman for their mad escapades but , looking back, he was beginning to realise this was no longer the case. Zayn had been slowly withdrawing from him ,from the rest of the band. The gulf between them widening by the day. Louis fell into his own thoughts as a rather stilted conversation started up around him, everyone trying to pretend there wasn't an elephant in the room. Nobody wanted talk about their worries, least of all Zayn.

 

The day passed quietly, all the lads rather subdued. They were all picking up on Zayn's lowered mood and they were all really concerned about him. Liam, going into Daddy Direction mode, kept an unobtrusive eye on Zayn. He had been quietly trawling through the net trying to find out what could possibly be wrong with his friend. He found a site where you could submit a list of symptoms and it would provide possible explanations. His eyes widened when he read what came up. Surely not ? He googled for another site that offered the same system. He reentered the information again and the same result came up. He needed to talk to the others but it had to be away from Zayn. Looking at his watch he saw it would have to wait as they were due to leave from the Stadium for the sound check. Reluctantly, he put his phone away.

 

The sound check went well. They ran through the choreography and songs then the usual fooling around started with Liam and Niall scuffling together , Louis jumping on their backs and Harry laughing at their antics. None of them noticed Zayn had slipped away until someone from management called them to order and sent them back to their dressing rooms to prepare for the show. They all entered the dining area where Sara, their tour chef, had a light meal waiting for them. Liam looked around..no Zayn. He shrugged, Zayn was probably smoking somewhere. He was smoking more and more these days. Meal over, the boys dispersed to their various rooms to change. Zayn still didn't appear. Niall, who shared a room with him, was beginning to worry.

 

"Five minutes" someone from the backstage crew called out and the boys all got into their pre-show huddle. Zayn raced up at the last minute and they joined hands in the centre for their traditional chant. Breaking apart they moved up behind the screen as the show started and their introductory video started to play. "Go!" They burst onto the stage. 

 

"Perth, how are you? Make some noise!" Harry yelled out and the stadium erupted. The boys launched in to their first number and the concert was under way. Zayn just didn't seem into it and was hanging back, not taking part in their normal choreography. Harry frowned. Zayn knew it all like the back of his hand so why wasn't he following it? Harry looked at Liam meaningfully and gave a vague jerk of his head towards Zayn. Liam did a tiny shake of his head in response. Obviously something was wrong but they couldn't work out why.

 

The show continued it's set path, Harry interacting with the fans, Liam smiling and waving, Louis and Niall teasing each other. All of them but Zayn really involved. Part way through one song, Zayn suddenly walked off stage. All the boys now looked concerned but tried not to show it.. Zayn's solo was coming up but he didn't look like he was returning so Louis jumped in and covered for him. Once the song was finished, Harry disappeared backstage to see what was going on. He emerged five minutes later to announce that Zayn was unwell and couldn't finish the show. Thankfully it was almost half way over so they managed to cover everything but , if you looked closely, you could see the strain on their faces.

 

"Perth, you've been great. We've been One Direction" waving a final goodbye, the boys left the stage then hurried to their dressing rooms to see how Zayn was doing. They were really concerned about him, especially as he had so obviously not been himself for some time. They pushed open the door and piled into the room. No Zayn! Harry turned around and, seeing Tim from management, went over to ask if he knew where Zayn was. He was totally stunned at the reply . Zayn was already at the airport ready to board a plane to Los Angeles. What!

The other boys knew something was wrong. I'd seen them looking at me when they thought I wasn't paying attention . I could see the worry and concern on their faces but I did my best to block them. Each day I was putting more and more distance between us. I avoided them whenever I could. The hurt in Louis' eyes was too much to bare . Lou and I , we had a special bond. Not like my bond with Niall. Ni was like my little brother, I felt the need to protect him. Liam and Harry, they were just great mates. But Louis, it's hard to define that bond. And he was hurt, Badly!

 

I hung up after yet another long conversation with Simon. I tried to explain how I was feeling, that I was stifling here, but he kept saying to tough it out, it was only another six months. But I couldn't. I was dying inside. And each day I stayed was another nail being hammered into my coffin. Eventually that lid would be down so tight, that would be it. That would be the end. I jammed my phone into my back pocket and looked at the time. Sound check.

 

We moved through the set choreography. Don't know why, we knew it so well and I felt it was something else in my life that was useless. I was useless. Life was pointless. Why was I even here? I wanted to be home. Mum would understand. And I needed to hear my father's voice. So shy, he hid from public view, but so wise in many ways.I wished I was a child again. No worries, no stress. But now..... . I brought my mind back to the present. Harry was studying my face intently before heading towards me. I turned and headed the other way, avoiding him.. I wasn't willing to talk. I glanced over at him moments later, he was frowning slightly. Well done, Zayn. Someone else you've hurt.

 

Two hours until show time. I put in the call to Simon and management again. I just can't do this anymore ,I can't. It's killing me. Maybe that's what I need to do. Kill myself. Don't be so stupid, I tell myself. Simon answers and we talk.

 

I stand looking out at the screaming fans. I see the signs 'Zayn, we love you', "Zayn marry me.' I try to smile and wave at them but it's so hard. It's not real, I'm not real. This life is like a nightmare and I am trapped in it, day and night. I struggle through each song, feeling worse and worse. I can barely breath, I can't think. My solo is coming up and I know that it's too late, it can't happen. I put down my mike and walk off stage. Liam looks worried as I pass him but I don't stop. If I stop, I know I'll stay and I also know that mustn't happen. I keep walking.

 

I collapse onto a chair backstage and one of the management team approaches me holding my backpack. He takes my arm and guides me out of the stadium and into a car with darkly tinted windows. It's a silent drive to the airport. We board the waiting plane and just like that, I leave Perth behind me as the plane heads towards Los Angeles. There were no goodbyes with my bandmates. No explanations. No excuses. Nothing. And nothing is all I feel.

 

Once the plane lands, another car and another silent ride, I am taken to meet up with Simon Cowell and other members of management. I fall even more deeply into my dark pit. I can barely think, barely talk. I am aware of Simon's worry. He talks quietly, I listen but nothing makes sense. I can't concentrate. It's like watching everything around me like it's a silent movie and there is no audible dialog to guide me. Simon suddenly manages to pull me back and tells me there is a doctor here ready to see me. He takes my arm and we go into another room where a man in a dark suit is sitting. Simon pats me on the shoulder and leaves. I just stand and stare at the man I am left in the room with. 

 

It's hard to focus but I do my best. I answer question after question. Random. Pointless. What do the answers matter? I just want to be left alone. I answer because I want to get it over with. He then examines me. I cooperate but I feel detached, like it's happening to someone else. It feels exactly like that. I am watching life, but it's like watching a movie. I'm somehow not part of it. My mind drifts away. Simon is back again and he and the doctor talk quietly. I can hear them clearly but it's like they are talking about someone else. I'm not part of this.

 

"Zayn?" Simon pulls me back to room. He sits down in front of me and I look into his eyes. All the years I've known him and suddenly he makes me nervous, even more than when I waited for his X-Factor decision. The one that totally changed my life. "Zayn, did you hear what the doctor said?" I shook my head slowly, blinking to try and clear my mind. " He believes you have a case of severe depression. He's prescribed medication which we'd like you to take. You'll seem better soon and things won't seem so bad". I shrug. I'll take the pills but it's not the answer.

 

I check into the hotel and find my way to my room. Preston is outside my door and I feel trapped. I shower and change Do I head out to a nightclub? A distraction from my churning thoughts? I do briefly wonder what the lads are thinking. They have no idea what I feel. We were so close but this was too hard to talk about. They are my brothers but I want to leave them, leave the band. I don't know how to tell them. How to face them. Will they hate me? Be angry with me? I head out, Preston trailing me closely.

 

I come back hours later. On my bedside table is a large pottle of pills. Mirtazipine 45mg. Take one daily. Zayn Malik. I take one and swallow it down with a gulp of water. I'm exhausted and I fall asleep much quicker than normal but my dreams are haunted.


	3. Mr Horan Is No Longer Your Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Please don't read if it is likely to affect you.
> 
>  
> 
> A/N This ties up with 'Stumbling in the Dark'

I keep taking the pills but I'm not sure I feel better. Maybe I do, it's hard to say. I suppose I must be because I am actually looking forward to the shows in Japan. Then on to Bankok. I've heard the nightlife there is great. Hitting the nightclubs will help me decompress and Louis is always up for it.

 

"Zayn, can I have a picture with you?" I look at the tall blond that had sidled up to me. I stand next to here and wrap and arm around her waist so we can both fit in the frame. I tuck my chin on her shoulder as I am so much taller then she is and I manage to drag up a smile. After all it's not her fault I feel like crap. "I'm Lauren, by the way" she whispers in my ear before thanking me and leaving. Louis pops up then and we head out. There's another club we want to try.

 

It;s strange to be able to walk through the streets with only a few paps around.Suddenly someone traps my hand and I turn. It's that girl, Lauren. There is a flash from a camera and I groan internally. I hate the lack of privacy. We dive into the club and much to my relief, security keep the paps out. I can finally relax.

 

 

ZAYN MALIK CHEATS ON FIANCEE PERRIE EDWARDS

 

Next day the headlines scream at me. I look at the pictures underneath the headlines. It's the pictures of me with Lauren.I there was nothing in them but they really do look bad. My phone rings and it's Perrie. She's hurt and angry. I try and explain that it's nothing but the accompanying press coverage makes it look suspicious.. I do my best to reassure her but I don't think she believes me. I want to go home so badly. I just want to be with her and convince her there is no truth in the rumours. I need to talk to Simon.

 

"Zayn, you can't just leave in the middle of a tour" Simon is obviously trying to sound calm but his voice has an edge to it. He's not happy.

 

"I need to go home, Simon. This isn't working. I just need a week, that's all. I'm dying here. I will die if I don't get away. Please" I'm begging him and after we talk some more , he comes to a decision.

 

"One week, Zayn. You use that time to sort out your relationship with Perrie and get your head together. You'll rejoin the tour in Dubai. I'll speak to management. You'll fly out after the Hong Kong concert". I start to thank him but he's hung up. I lay down on my bed and fall asleep, I'm exhausted beyond belief.

 

My phone been ringing continually and I finally answer it. It's Management and I sit absolutely stunned as I listen to what I am being told. I'm going home alright but I'm not coming back. My contract is terminated. Management will send an escort for me after the show. I am forbidden to tell the boys the truth nor am I to contact them after I've left. After I hang up I realise I have no choice but what about the lads? And Niall? I can't do this to Niall. He's been really down these last few days and I'm about to pile more pain on him. Even though it's late, I go tap on his door.

 

"Zee, come in. You look like sh*t" Niall looked at me frowning "'You OK?" I 'm trying to hold it together, keep my tone light, but Niall sees right through me. He wraps his arms around me and gives me a real 'Horan Hug'. " Come on, what's up?"

 

"Ni, you got to promise you won't tell the others. Please, it's important. Swear , you won't tell" He nods but he looks very confused. "The lads can't be told". He crosses his heart and stares at me, waiting. "Ni, I'm leaving the band".

 

"No. NO!" he shouts at me and I hurriedly hush him. "You can't leave".

 

"I have to ,Ni. My contract has been terminated. Simon was giving me a week to get better but Management want me out..so I'm out. I'm leaving after the Hong Kong show."

 

"But what do we tell the fans? And the others?"He's stunned and the expression on his face is tearing me apart.

 

"I'm being sent home due to 'stress'. You'll all be told I'm coming back but it's just a cover. I'm sorry, Ni. I didn't expect it would end like this" I look at Niall. Tears are pouring down his face and he is shaking. I try and pull him into a hug but he backs away. I can see how upset he is but he won't let me comfort him. "Management said I mustn't tell any of you and I won't be allowed to contact you once I've left. Management promised they'd make trouble for all of us if I do. Niall, you gotta keep this to yourself, bro".

 

"Go, Zee" he spoke so softly I could barely hear him. He's turned his back to me and is staring out the window. I go and put my hand on his shoulder and he reaches up and touches mine gently for a second. I turn then and leave.

EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING. PLEASE DON'T GO FURTHER IF YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE AFFECTED.

 

 

Both Niall and I have been very subdued. With me, the lads all think it's my struggle with depression that's pulling me down. They are supportive but are giving me space. They don't know about me leaving, supposedly for only for the one week. Niall is doing his best to act normally but I know he's being sick every time he eats. He only eats because he doesn't want the others to be suspicious. He's looking more and more ill. This secret is really taking it's toll on him. He's been getting a whole heap of hate on twitter again, just to add to the mix. Normally he has been able to shrug it off but he can't seem to shake it. He's told us all about the hate and the lads tell him to ignore it. He laughs and makes out he's doing just that but I know he's not doing great. And it's not the hate doing it. It's me. There's just something about the bond between Niall and I and now some ba*tar*d is going to break that bond. Not being able to contact Niall is going to hard. Niall says it is killing him.

 

We get into our pre show huddle and the pain in my heart is threatening to overwhelm me. My very last show with my brothers and I can't tell them. Niall looks up at me and the pain in his eyes rips into me. It's time and we burst onto the stage.I am barely functioning and the boys are all looking at me. I am so apathetic I can't interact with the fans or the boys. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. We all come together for "Little Things" and I can't hold my emotions anymore and have to brush away a tear. I see my face on the big screens as I do it. And every fan sees my pain. If only they knew the truth. The show eventually ends and we are back in the dressing rooms.

 

Tim from Management is there , waiting for us and now I had to tell the boys I'm leaving. They are shocked but Tim and I reassure them I'll be back in a week. They are understanding and they all wish me well. Tim lets me spend a final hour with the lads to say my goodbyes . Niall gives me a hug and I can see him struggling to hide the truth. He tells the others he's tired and goes back to the hotel. I just don't want him to leave.

 

"Zayn, it's time to leave" Tim came to my side " You've a plane to catch" I hug the lads a final time then follow him out.

 

"Tim, I have to stop at the hotel. I have to say goodbye to Niall. Please?" He looks at his watch then reluctantly agrees. I need to see Niall, I can't leave him this way, I need that final goodbye. The ride to the hotel is a silent one and Tim and I manage to get into the building unobserved. I pound on Niall's door but there's no reply. I can hear the TV so knock again. No reply.

 

"Zayn, we have to go." Tim is insistent but something's wrong. Something in my gut is warning me. I see a chambermaid and ask for her master key which she gives me . Being famous has it's perks. I unlock the door and my heart stops beating. Niall is sprawled across his bed. I take in the empty package of pills on the floor, an empty bottle of gin on the table. His breathing is loud and rasping. Tim runs back out, calling over his shoulder to me , telling me to make Niall sick.

 

"How?' I am panicking.

 

"Stick your fingers down his throat. Do it now. I'm back real soon. Do it!!!" And Tim is gone. Shaking, I drag Niall off the bed , into the adjoining bathroom and start doing as Tim asked. I'm praying, I'm praying so hard.

 

"Here. Hold him up" I register Tim is back and he is forcing Niall to drink. "It's salt water. It will make him very sick. We have to get the pills and alcohol out of his stomach. It can't have been too long ago he did this". I support my bandmate as he is made to vomit. Over and over again. When will tim stop torturing Niall this way? Tim keeps making him drink until finally Niall is bringing clear water. We carefully lift Niall up between us and put him on the bed, covering him up gently. He is beyond pale.

 

"We need a doctor. " I want professional help for Niall but Tim stops me as I go to phone for help. 

 

"No, this can't get out. Niall will be fine but the media can't know. They'd rip us apart".

 

"Is that all Niall means to you?" I shout, I am so angry.

 

"Keep your voice down, for god's sake. Zayn, I do care about Niall but this just can't get out. Higher management won't stand for it" I could see Tim was upset but he still wasn't going to go against Head of Management. I sat on the bed next to Niall and my hand touched a note in Niall's writing. . My breath caught in my throat as I read it because I couldn't pretend this had been an accident. Niall had meant to end his life tonight and it was all my fault.

 

"Lads, when you read this you'll know I've left you. It's been a hard week for me, with the hate and all. And some things have happened that I just can't face and I can't explain either. I need Zayn and he won't be here. I'm not strong enough to live like this so I'm taking the only way out I know. Please don't miss me too much or I'll come haunt you. I love you all"

Nialler xx"

 

I crumple the note in my hand , shoving it into my pocket then stand and get some paper from the desk and write a note of my own.

 

"I love you guys. Please look after yourselves and take special care of my Niall, my baby brother.

 

Your Bro,

Zayn"

 

Taking a final look at Niall, I leave for the airport alone now.. Tim stays behind to look after Niall and I feel some sense of relief. It's going to be a long flight home and I don't know what reception I shall get in London. I won't even know if Niall is OK.I bite the inside of my cheek hard until I can taste blood. I feel like I could die.

Zayn was so exhausted that he slept through the flight and woke up groggy and disorientated when the plane finally touched down in London. He was met at the plane door by an aide who escorted him through private areas of the airport so he could escape the paps who were in wait for him. His mind was a mess. He had to face Perrie now and see if she would believe that the pictures were just a result of the paps making him look bad. After all, he is is always labeled the 'bad boy' of the band......was...he mentally corrected himself. He was no longer a member of One Direction. It was just him, Management, Simon and Niall who knew the real truth. Niall! Zayn started to panic. Was Niall OK? He pulled out his phone and feverishly scrolled through Twitter. Nothing trending. But what if..... no he couldn't think that. But he had to know.

 

No answer. He had been trying on and off for hours but Niall didn't answer. Everything went through to voicemail then even that stopped. Zayn threw his phone down and looked at Perrie. "Still no reply?" her voice was sympathetic. "Zayn, there's been nothing in the media. If anything bad had happened, you'd know". She tried to sound reassuring but Zayn just shook his head. Management were clever. They'd cover up anything that didn't suit them. Or maybe they were waiting for the 'right' time to announce Niall had died or something. Big impact financially as record sales would soar. Stop it! Don't think like that. Niall's OK, he has to be OK.Zayn repeated it in his head like a mantra until Perrie spoke again. "Zee, we have to talk about us" He reluctantly began the conversation about events that had set this whole d*mn mess in motion.

 

Five hours later a driver arrived to spirit Perrie away to a secret location where he'd join her later. They had talked for hours and Perrie had made it clear that she believed and trusted him and that they were going to make a go of their relationship. Zayn wanted to convince her to marry him as soon as possible. It would end the speculation in the press and maybe he'd get the chance to be free of the rumours. He kissed Perrie goodbye and then sat alone in his bedroom, just wanting to sleep. In seconds he had fallen back on the mattress and was deeply asleep. If only his dreams would leave him alone.

 

Zayn was woken by his phone bleeping at him. Management had arranged a meeting that would terminate his contract. Zayn slowly got up and dressed as they were sending a driver. This was going to be hard. He'd be lying to press, the fans and to his brothers of the last five years. Only Niall knew and even he was going to be forced to lie. How did it get to be like this? Zayn thought bitterly.

 

".....and there will be no further contact with any of the band, security, backstage staff, etc. Do I make myself clear, Mr Malik?" Stephen, Head of Management glared at the dishevelled young man facing him.." In a week's time, March 25th, we will announce you have left the band permanently. They will continue as One Direction without you. We'll issue a statement that you want time out of the public eye to live a normal life, plus the usual you wish the boys well and so forth. You will then stay out of public as much as possible unless it is sanctioned by us. We still control you for the time being and you would be wise to remember that" Stephen looked smug and Zayn felt the desire to take a hit at him. His hand twitched.

 

"Errrrg....I have a question" Zayn was hesitant. "How's Niall?"

 

"Mr Horan is no longer your concern now, Mr Malik. Like you have been told, you are to have no contact with the band for any reason. We've altered all contact numbers so you won't be tempted. You may go now" Stephen waved his hand dismissively at the door and Zayn walked out, anger simmering below the surface. He stopped at the desk of Stephen's PA. Samantha, who smiled at him, sympathy in her eyes. She glanced cautiously at Stephen's door and placed a finger warningly over her lips. She signalled to Zayn to wait and hurriedly wrote on a piece of paper before handing it to Zayn. He glanced down and pulled her into a hug before turning. He could feel the blackness in his heart increasing and he felt sick and shaky. He vaguely tried to remember if he had taken his medication today but couldn't remember. He tried to think back but he wasn't sure when the last dose had been.It didn't matter, it was all so pointless anyway. He climbed back into the car and the driver took him to where Perrie was waiting for him.


	4. Yet Another Nail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EXTREME TRIGGER WARNINGS SO PLEASE DON'T READ IF IT IS LIKELY TO AFFECT YOU. And this is fiction. I have no idea what Perrie is really like nor what happened behind closed doors so I am not hating her in any way.

I safely tucked away the piece of paper that Samantha had given me . She'd written that Niall was fine so at least I knew my little bro had survived his suicide attempt. That was at least something positive. But what about me? How was I going to survive? I was living a lie and I couldn't even share it with my family. The media would put me on trial and I couldn't even defend myself. What hurt the most was knowing that the lads were thinking I didn't care about them. It was so far from the truth but what could I possibly do? My hands were tied. I climbed into the car that waited for me and moved to the next problem I had to face.....Perrie!

 

Management had made it very clear I had no choice but to do what I was told. I had to promote "Little Mix" and follow Perrie around like I was another lap dog. Money was all that they cared about. I was sort of OK with it. I was exhausted from the relentless touring and I wasn't handling the depression well. I resented taking the medication so I stopped. Stupid, I know, as I could feel myself falling down even deeper into the dark pit I had barely started to emerge from. I was so far down now there wasn't even a ladder long enough to reach me. No rope could pull me back up. No answers either but then, I didn't even know what the questions were. My mind was a mess.

 

".............with Jade. What do you think?' Perrie's voice finally broke into my thoughts. "Zayn, you aren't even listening to me" she said accusingly. I don't blame her because she was right. I wasn't listening. Didn't want to listen. Didn't want to be here. Just wanted to die to be honest. "I don't know why I bother with you, Zayn Malik. I really don't". I heard her bang the door as she left. And I felt nothing but relief. I just wanted to be left alone with my own thoughts and not have to listen to her talking about her precious mates in 'Little Mix". It was so unjust. I had to pander to her but wasn't allowed to talk to the four lads who really understood me, Zayn, and accepted me for who and what I was. I missed my brothers.

 

Perrie was out promoting her album so I wandered over to see a recent friend, Shahid Khan..Naughty Boy. Maybe we could jam at his studio. It would be a break from these four walls and Perrie's incessant chatter. Being around music again lifted my spirits a little and I was able to hide from the darkness that habitually surrounded me. It was an almost relaxing time but someone tipped off the paps and my picture appeared in the Tabloids. Lies again. And I still couldn't defend myself. Shahid was enjoying his extra fame and used it to his advantage. He couldn't resist taunting the boys, on and on, until finally Louis snapped and retaliated. Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place. What did I do? I was supposed to distance myself from the lads , how do I deal with this. I didn't want to hurt Louis and I didn't want to upset Shahid. It was easy, in the end, Management told me what to Tweet. It cut me deep to hurt Louis as I did. And to live with the fact he didn't realise I was under orders. Just another nail in my coffin.

 

I was proud to find I was being honored at the Asian Awards. At least it was something I had got right and was also something which didn't involve Management. I smartened myself up, shaving off my long hair. It had to look like I was moving on. I had the idea to invite my mom to accompany me. It would get me away from Perrie and I knew I could trust mom not to put a foot wrong. It was great to be with her. I could see her concern for me in her eyes but she didn't challenge me on it. My acting was obviously better than I thought. I felt comforted that the fans hadn't deserted me and were waiting outside the venue. I posed for selflies but my smile was half hearted at best. I realised I hadn't escaped from Management, even for this. Preston had been sent to be my bodyguard and no doubt any slip on my part would be told to the bosses. I guarded my tongue.

 

I wanted to say so much during my speech. I wanted to tell the boys how much I loved and missed them, that they were so important to me. I knew I couldn't but I still thanked them. How could I not. I just hoped they could hear everything I couldn't say and know how much I cared.

 

Time dragged for me. Life revolved around my home and Perrie's commitments. I started cooking to past the time and she boasted about it to the media. Shahid was also using my name and now it was out of control. I just lost it. I suppose the depression overruled my sense and I had a very public falling out with him over Twitter. It played right into his hands as he used it for more publicity. And my 'failings' were pounced on by the tabloids. I was hammered mercilessly yet nobody could see what was happening to me under the surface. Yet another nail got hammered into that coffin lid.

 

"Sex with Zayn is better than food". I shuddered reading that particular headline. Could she not have some sense of modesty for once in her life.I was getting tired of this, so tired. She was going around looking so happy, telling the world how wonderful our life was together and I was crumbling further down. I stared at pictures of us together. She's radiant and I.................I look sick, haggard. I can't do this any more. And one more nail goes into the coffin lid.

 

I finish shaving then look at the blade in my hand. It glints at me, drawing my attention. I turn it this way and that, watching the light reflect of it. Part of me wonders what it would feel like to die. Did it hurt? Was there something afterwards? Or was it just like a dreamless sleep? I break the blade free from the plastic housing and hold it , looking at it reflectively. Why not? I ask myself. At least I'll be free.


	5. Condemned To Silence

I lay there, watching the blood being transfused into my vein. Both wrists were wrapped tightly in thick, white bandages. The sharp, stinging pain reminding me that I had failed. I turned my head as the door to my hospital room opened and there stood Stephen, looking furious.

 

"You d*mn fool" he snarled at me " just what were you playing at? It's already trending on Twitter you've been hospitalised...and why! We've managed to shut it down , claiming it's just rumours and you will deny this happened if you are questioned. And keep those wrists covered" He turned, and just like that , walked out. I turn my stare to the stark, white ceiling wondering how I got here. A beeping noise sounded and a nurse came into the room. She disconnected the finished transfusion then dimmed the lights and advised me to rest before leaving me alone once again. I curled up into a ball and allowed myself to sleep.

 

"Zayn, you can leave now. You're being discharged" Preston said shaking me awake. He held out fresh clothes so I slowly sat up and swung my legs gingerly over the side of the bed. The sudden movement made my head spin and Preston reached out a steading hand before helping me to dress. His face and voice sounded completely emotionless and it matched how I was feeling. I followed him out wondering if he could fill in the gaps as to how I had ended up in the hospital and where was Perrie? I was reluctant to ask but knew I needed answers. He was hesitant to tell me but eventually he told me that Perrie had found me and summonsed help. Management controls her just as much as they do me and she was forbidden to go to the hospital with me. It was easier to shut down rumours that way.

 

"We have to do this, Zayn" Perrie said as she dyed my hair green before posting a picture on Instagram. "We have to make it look like nothing ever happened." I pose with her as she takes the picture, trying to smile. If only the fans could see what's underneath. My wrists throb and I push away from Perrie and head up to the bedroom. I don't know how much longer I can live this lie.

 

Weeks past and the press speculation about my rumoured rush to hospital had died down. It was Perrie's birthday and I pushed myself to make the day special. True to form, it was all in the media about my 'secret' plans for celebrating with her. Little did they know that the pictures that would be put on social media were taken weeks ago and had nothing to do with Perrie's birthday. I wasn't even there with her. I couldn't take the lies any more. Our engagement had been ended and Perrie was now the one putting on an act, one that would last for a few weeks. I needed to get away, to hide, to sort myself out. I finally found the solution on Twitter. It was Ideal.

A month later:

I was rested and finally in good health. Three wholesome meals a day had filled out my frame and I no longer looked gaunt and ill. It had been so very peaceful hiding away in this Mennonite community, like the real world no longer existed. No paps, no media, nothing. No one could find me, nobody cared who I was , if I was famous or a nobody or even why I was there. I was just Zayn. But I couldn't continue to hide here. I wasn't suited to the life here. I had to live in a world that wasn't 'plain' . It was definitely time to leave and restart my new life. I hadn't taken any of the medication for my depression for some time now and though I felt I was managing without it, the real test was coming. I knew this sense of peace would fade. I stowed my bag in the car and drove slowly away. I didn't dare look back , I could only look forward to the future.

 

The media was full of lies, all claiming to be from 'sources close to the singer". Yeah, right! The worst of it is when I know what is the real truth but nobody would believe me. After all, I'd been given so many false labels. I sighed and threw the newspaper down as my phone buzzed and a quick glance at the called ID had me groaning...Management.

 

"Malik, where the h*ll have you been? We have been unable to contact you for a month now. You are still under contract and don't you forget that. You'd better have a good reason for this" Stephen was shrieking down the phone at me.

 

"I had to get away and there was no way I could contact you" I tried to explain "No internet"

 

"You expect me to believe that sh*t? Do I look like I'm stupid?" Stephen snarled. I was so tempted to tell him he was exactly that but it wouldn't help my case much so I bit my tongue.

 

"It's true. I was staying in a Mennonite community. No technology" mentally adding 'unless you were in the barn office'. I hate lying but this was more an evasion of the exact truth.

 

"Hmmnh. Well you better get yourself here....now. We have things to discuss" the line went dead and I scowled at my phone before shoving it into my pocket . Picking up my jacket, I headed out. I suppose I'd better try and toe the line. Just a little longer and I'd be finally free.

 

Stephen shoved the paperwork that would terminate my involvement with Management then threw a pen down beside it. I refused to be rushed so I picked up the documents and read them through very carefully. So far, everything was I expected. I could live with that. Then I saw the final paragraphs and my heart sank. I was to make no comment about my relationship with Perrie. Nothing must tarnish her in any way. So I am doomed to be condemned by the media. I'm angry but I know there is nothing I can do. But what caused me the most pain was that I had to agree to having nothing more to do with the four brothers of my heart. I was not to see them, contact them in any way or do anything, be it written or otherwise, that lets me connect with them. Every loop hole had been tightly closed. There was no way out. I was to completely distance myself from them. My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest. And though Niall knew part of the truth, even he would think I didn't care anymore. I'd no longer be able to protect my baby brother and I couldn't even explain to them why . I would have to live knowing they probably hated me for deserting then ignoring them. If only I could have the chance to explain. I picked up the pen and signed as I blinked back the tears.

 

Head down, shoulders bowed with sadness, I walked from the building . I was finally free but at what cost? In my heart I knew the price of my freedom from Management was far more than I had been willing to pay. But pay I must. There was no way back from this. I walked blindly, not caring where I was heading until I found myself in a small park. Sitting down on a bench, I gave in to the emotions that overwhelmed me as I whispered a goodbye to my brothers, Liam, Louis ,Harry and Niall. So desperately I wanted to let them know the truth but my hands were tied. Reflectively I traced my fingers over the scars on my wrist.

"Zayn" my Doctor sighed my name "I can't help you if you won't let me in. You have to be honest with me. You keep holding back and it's obvious that you are not doing well. Unless you are willing to meet me half way, we are at an impasse." I kept my eyes down and remained silent. "Zayn. I've known you since you were a baby and I know when you are hiding things from me. Just how long do you intend living like this?" Still , I can't respond. I don't want to be here, I don't really know why I came. Maybe I thought it would stop my mom from nagging me the whole time. I see the concern in her eyes when she looks at me and the unspoken questions in the eyes of my father. I stand up and walk out. I can't do this. I know my doctor is worried , my family too, but I am too far down to break free . I need to escape but there is only one real way out. I attempt to block that line of thinking but these dark thoughts constantly push against the barriers I have put in place, weakening them day by day. Time is not in my favour.

 

I slept the whole flight to Los Angeles. Sleep is the only thing that seems to block some of my pain . And sleeping would be so easy if it wasn't for the dreams that haunt me. I hope that throwing myself into working on my first solo album will be enough distraction through it is a forlorn hope. I can't avoid the media. More lies about me that I can't refute and more times I have to avoid being anywhere near the lads. It hurts not being able to talk to them, not being able to explain. We all pretend everything is fine between us but even they have to toe the Management line.

 

The lads are doing an interview and I watch it avidly. It's the only way I can see how they are doing and if they are coping better than me. I know them so well that even the tiniest chink in their armour and I will know. Harry is quieter than he used to be. Louis is his normal cheeky self on the surface but his smile never reaches his eyes. They lack the sparkle that used to radiate from them. Liam talks confidently. He's obviously taken the role of spokesperson and answers with diplomacy but his shoulders are stiff with tension. But Niall....he's not the Niall I knew. He smiles but his sense of fun has gone and he's taking no part in the conversation unless asked a direct question, even then, his answers as brief. He looks exhausted, they all do, but Niall's eyes are darkly shadowed and his clothes are hang on him. I am afraid for him. He looks as close to the edge as I am. What if he can't hold on a second time? What if I can't hold on? I reach for the remote and the screen goes blank.

 

Time drags it's feet and I am falling deeper and deeper into my dark pit. The sense of peace I had gained from my stay in the Mennonite community had long since faded and was now replaced by deep despair. I pick up the bottle of anti depressant pills and stare at them. It's been so long since I took them . Maybe I should but do I really want to be rescued, I ask myself. Anything in my life worth having has gone.I throw them back down and grab a jacket and head out. The forest that backs onto the grounds of my rented home promises sanctuary from the world and I head into it's embrace.

 

I sat down with my back against a tree and , head back and eyes closed, breath in the quietness. I must have been here for hours when my phone buzzed. I reached for it quickly and glanced at the caller ID. It was one from a list of number that Samantha had provided me with when I finally left Management. She'd let me know Niall was ok and had given me the new contact numbers. I never planned on using them but seeing one of them, I was instantly alert. Why was he calling? He knew the truth. He knew the rules.

 

"Niall?" I questioned worriedly . I could hear him breathing but there was no response. I tried again "Niall,bro?"

 

"Yeah Zayn, it's me. Look, I'm sorry I rang you, I shouldn't have. I'm sorry, I'll just............" and I could the sound of his wracking sobs before the call was abruptly ended . I repeated called the number back but there was never a reply. I kept trying but my calls remained unanswered. I sat back and lost myself in thought for some time before making a decision I never thought I'd have to make.. Blessing Samantha for providing those numbers, I scrolled though my phonebook and placed the call.

 

He wasn't answering but I wasn't giving up. I had to speak to him . I gritted my teeth when he finally answered.

 

"Just what the fck are you doing calling me? Wanting to come back? Well, it's too late , mate" Louis shouted down the phone at me. I could hardly blame him. After all, he only knew what Management had told them. I was the big bad wolf. I wanted to hang up but I had to tell him. I had to protect Niall.

 

"Lou, no. Shut up and listen. This is important" I pleaded with him, praying he'd hear me out and not hang up on me, "it's Niall"

 

"What do you mean, it's Niall" Louis snapped at me. He sounded tired, and I had obviously woken him up . Add that to the fact I was probably the last person he wanted to speak to, I understood his anger and resentment. I was probably the last person he neither expected or even wanted to hear from.

 

"Bro listen. I had a call from Niall . He acted really strange, said sorry for calling me , said he shouldn't then he just broke down crying. Full on crying, bro. Then he hung up on me. I've been trying and trying to call him back but he's not answering. I just want to know if he's ok. Look, forget it. I'm sorry I called" I hung up. It was no use. I wasn't sure why I had even tried to talk to Louis.I suppose I had done my best but it probably should have been Liam I called but somehow it seemed more natural to ring Louis. I sit back down against the tree shaking my head sadly. Louis and I used to be so close and now.......those wounds were going to take a long time to heal, that is, if they ever did. No, those wounds would always gape wide open. Some things can't be healed.

 

I had been working on some of my solo material but took a break for lunch. My phone showed several missed calls from the same number. It was Louis, and much as I really didn't want to talk with him, worry for Niall won over. I returned the call.

 

"Zee?"

 

"Bro, you called me?"I know I sounded really strained but I was nervous about talking with Louis, given our last conversation had not gone too well'

 

"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about the last time. OK. " Louis gabbled out quickly.

 

"What do you want?" My tone was harsh but who could blame me. Louis hadn't been too thrilled when I had called him the other night.

 

"It's about Niall. Look , it's serious" Louis sounded frantic now and I felt my panic rising.

 

"Is he alright?" "What's wrong? Tell me ."

 

"No, he isn't doing good. Zee, he's just been told he has Multiple Sclerosis. He's devastated and we are worried about him. Look, if you hadn't called me, we'd not ......" Louis' voiced was choked up so I waited patiently to give him time to calm down enough to continue. "He won't talk to us about it, won't tell his family. It's like he's ...I don't know Zee. What if he does something stupid?"

 

"Lou, it will be Ok, it has to be.Maybe he just needs time to think . He'll be fine, he has to be" I did my best to sound confident but I was seriously alarmed. I knew only too well the pathway Niall might choose. Niall was supposed to be the cheerful one, the one who brushed problems aside with a smile. Niall who always used to have a real zest for life. A broken Niall didn't seem right. What if he never came to terms with this? My heart filled with dread. Multiple Scleroris...MS. I knew only too well what Niall might be facing. After all, hadn't I watched one of my aunties live with this disease until it claimed her. What if we lost Nialler? My baby brother? No! My heart clenched within my chest. I gasped with the pain.

 

"Zayn, you still there?" Louis' voice echoed over the line.

 

"Yeah bro, I'm still here" I couldn't even recognise the sound of my own voice.. It sounded as dull and hopeless as I felt. "Look, I'm coming back. As soon as I can get a flight. I'm coming" I made my mind up on the spot. I had to be there for Niall. And for the others. They are all my brothers.

 

"Just give me your flight info when you have it. I will meet you at the airport" Louis' voice radiated relief. " Thanks, Zee"

 

I hung up and immediately started to book my flight to the UK . Once I had text the details to Louis, I dashed home to hurriedly throw everything I needed into a backpack before heading to LAX . In less than a day, I'd be back where I wanted to be. I'd be back with my brothers. And Management? F*ck them.

I was exhausted when the plane landed. The entire flight had been spent in wondering what I would find when I got back to the UK. How the others would treat me, how Niall was. My thoughts were like a hamster on a wheel, just churning around and around. I pulled my jacket around me and pulled up the hood. as I walked through into arrivals. Louis was waiting as promised, hands shoved in pockets, hoodie pulled low over his eyes. I headed straight for him. We just stood there, looking at each other until he broke the silence and pulled me into a hug. Then we walked swiftly to his car before anyone could notice us.

 

I sat in the passenger seat trying to marshall my thoughts. Even though Louis had seemed Ok with me, I still felt tense. I had to force myself to talk.

 

"Is it for sure that Niall has MS ? " I eventually asked. I was hoping that I'd misheard or that it was a mistake, even though I knew it wasn't.

 

"Yes" Louis replied."I was with him when he got the results of all the tests. He's not doing great Zayn. We are all worried about him. He won't talk about it"

 

"I was hoping......but " I shook my head and lapsed into silence. Niall ill didn't seem right.I got lost in my own thoughts once more.

 

"Do you want to stay at mine or go to your own place" Louis finally broke the silence.

 

"Your place......please" I responded " I'm..ah... I'm not sure if Perrie has taken all her stuff out. I don't think bumping into her would be so great right now."

 

""Yeah, right. OK, my place it is" Louis moved into the correct lane of traffic and headed towards his own home.

 

When we got to Louis' , I carried my suitcase up into the guest room before coming down and sitting with him . We both sat there in silence until Louis appeared to come to a decision."That's it, I'm phoning Harry and Liam. We need to talk this out" Louis said firmly. He quickly called both and asked them to come over immediately, that it was very important. Both agreed .

 

"You didn't tell them I was here, did you ? Why not?" I found myself asking. "They aren't going to like it, are they."

 

"I don't care if they don't f.cking like it. This is for Niall. And maybe we all need to have this talk. You skipped out on us.You didn't even talk to us. How do you think it felt? You were in the band one minute then you were gone. You didn't talk to us, you just walked out. Do you know how broken we were? How Niall felt? Oh, the fans thought he didn't care but we knew different. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep. We had to force him on stage every night because he said he couldn't do it without you. We need to talk about this. YOU need to talk about it" Louis' voice was raised in anger  
.

"I couldn't talk to you, Louis, it's complicated I just couldn't take it anymore. I was dying inside. I didn't mean to hurt any of you. Look, remember when I flew out to LA? I really was sick, bro. I wasn't faking. The Doctor there told me I had severe depression. They gave me pills but...I stopped taking them and it got worse. I needed to get home, to Perrie. To work out the mess but even that failed. I...." I looked across at Louis not even trying to disguise the tears running down my cheeks.

 

"And you think we wouldn't listen to you? Bro, we would have supported you.You could have told us" Louis' voice was quiet now, softer." We'd have understood."

 

"Lou, something else happened. I can't tell you, can't talk about it. But believe me, I did try"

 

"Zee, I wish you could just tell me., tell us. I...." The ringing of the doorbell interrupted whatever Louis was about to say and by the time he returned with Harry and Liam, the moment was lost.

 

Harry and Liam stood in the doorway and looked open mouthed at the man sat on the couch, his cheeks still tear stained. Harry was the first to move , coming and giving me a brief hug. Liam followed suit before they all sat down. The silence in the room seemed to grow thicker and thicker until I finally broke it. " I'd like to visit Niall, if you don't mind"

 

"I'll take you over tomorrow. He's got an appointment to see the Neurologist again so sort out medication and stuff. If he's OK about it, maybe you can go with him." Harry said " I think he'll be happy to see you, to be honest, he took your leaving the band very hard. He tried not to show it and he fooled the fans, but not us. Harry paused before continuing on so quietly it was barely audible "no, he couldn't fool us".

 

Louis slowly guided the conversation around to how they all had felt about me leaving the band. I tried to open up about it, to explain as much as I could, about the depression. opened up to a point, told them about the depression but then they started to push me for answers, answers I could not give. I felt myself feel close to the edge, and was grateful when Liam switched the conversation to my forthcoming album and their own 5th album and talk remained neutral for the rest of the evening.

 

The next morning, I pulled up at Niall's home and punched the security code that allowed the gates to slide open and allow me in. I parked then sprinted through the torrential rain to Niall's door and rang the bell. There was no answer yet I knew Niall was home. I pulled out my phone and called him and it was relief when he answered.

 

"Zayn?'

 

"Bro, let me in. I'm getting proper soaked" I complained as the rain dripped down the back of my neck making me shiver.

 

"Where are you?"

 

"On your doorstep. Come on, let me in before I drown"

 

Niall threw open the door and flung himself at me, squeezing me in a rib crushing bear hug.

 

"Bro. Can't. Breath" I gasped out and he let me free, a huge grin on his face as he pulled me inside.

 

"Zee, when did you get here? I didn't know you were coming" Niall put down mugs of tea then sat opposite me, still smiling.

 

"It was kinda spur of the moment , Ni." I smiled back at him " How are you, anyway?"

 

"I'm just great. Looking forward to going home to Ireland and looking from a home there. Maybe doing a little backpacking. A sort of gap year"

 

"Ni, I know. You don't have to pretend" I looked hard into Niall's eyes. "After you rang me that night, I rang Louis. We had words but he did ring me back a few days later and he told me. Niall looked down at the floor , refusing to hold my gaze. "Bro..?" I asked quietly

 

"I...I don't know I can do this Zayn. What did I do wrong to get this? I don't think I can live this way. What if it gets worse? And it will, it's progressive" Niall sounded and looked so miserable that I felt pain in my heart. I wanted to be able to protect Niall from this but I knew I couldn't. Somethings in life just couldn't be stopped. I moved so I was kneeling on the floor right in front of Niall.

 

"Ni, you have to stop looking at what might happen. You don't know it will progress. The medication will help and they do research the whole time. They may turn up a cure. " I really tried to sound positive.

 

"Zee, what if I end up in a wheelchair. What if it gets worse than that? What if I can't tour again"

 

"That's too many "what if's" Niall. One day at a time, bro. Let's take this one day at a time. I stood and pulled Niall up with me. "Let's go play FIFA and I'll even let you beat me"

 

"You wish" Niall responded heading down to his games room.

 

I pinned a smile on my face as I followed him. What had I done? I had rushed all this way and yet I couldn't alter anything. I had to face both that and the damage I had inflicted on Niall when I left the band. And if I made things worse by being here? I shook my head. I had to hide my own pain along with the secret I am forced to hide. That must never come out yet it's danger is ever present. But only I know and I am condemned to silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The place where Zayn went is told in another of my stories "You can't do enough for some people" . I'd need to post it here but it is on Wattpad. If you don't go there, Zayn ended up sick and hid inn Old Order Mennonite community.
> 
> You'll see Plain life mentioned. For us, plain is no frills, nothing showy, either in dress or behavior. Google Old Order Mennonite if you wish to know more.


	6. Deja Vu

I couldn't help but worry about Niall. He'd allowed me to go with him when he saw the Neurologist but I could see he wasn't coping. H e didn't seem to want to ask any questions, nor would he talk about it. As soon as we had dropped him back home he had yelled at us to leave him. Just slammed the door on us. And there had been that look in his eyes, the same look I'd seen before. I knew it so well because didn't I see the same look in my own eyes every time I looked at myself in the mirror.We were all worried about Niall but they all thought he should be left to work things out alone. Like that would solve everything. 

 

I sat quietly on the couch, listening to their conversation, but not being part of it. I carefully kept my face blank but felt so very agitated.But I couldn't share my thoughts , I'm wasn't willing to admit the truth, even to myself , and I knew the truth. No, I thought to myself, no. Stay silent.

 

Harry and Liam finally left and Louis announced he was heading to bed. I followed him up stairs and, after saying good night, let myself into the guest room. I stripped off down to my boxers and sat on the bed, propped up by the pillows. I wasn't ready to sleep . My mind was neither ready nor able to switch off. Neither could I control it when my thoughts went back to my final months with the band . Worry about Niall wove in and out of my thoughts, coming strongly every time my mind touched on areas I hadn't been able to share with the rest of the band. I hadn't even told my parents, nor my older sisters. That was a secret I am bound to keep. It was better that way. I studied the white scars on my wrists then went rummaged in my backpack and pulled out the sharp blade I had hidden there, rubbing my finger lightly over the sharp edge. Not hard enough to cut . Not yet. Later, I promise myself. Later. It was oddly comforting. I hid it carefully away again then lay back down on the bed. Finally I fell asleep but it was far from restful. Dark thoughts melded with my dreams . 

 

 

I woke up with a sudden start, I wasn't sure why. Dreams maybe? They had had the quality of nightmares. Most of my dreams these days were nightmares. I really don't feel right. The sense of agitation I had felt when I was downstairs was still with me but instead of decreasing , it had gotten worse. Why do I feel so unsettled? It's like some subtle message is nudging me.I suppose I really deserve to feel this way. It is my own fault for dwelling on the past. Unable to settle, I decide to dress so hurriedly pull on my clothes and creep downstairs. Maybe a cup of tea would help or something stronger if Louis has some hidden away.

 

"Zee? You alright?" Louis made me jump as he walked out of the kitchen holding a mug of tea."Couldn't sleep either?"

 

"No, too restless. Too many bad memories"

 

"Want to talk, I'm a good listener" Louis told me quietly.

 

"Bro, I wish I could but I just can't" I'm so tired and stressed now that I hope Louis will let it rest but then my own fears get the better of me " Lou, I can't rid myself of the feeling that something's wrong" I blurt out suddenly.

 

"You got that right. Niall having MS is wrong" Louis replied to me somewhat tartly.

 

"No Lou, something's wrong. I can't explain, don't ask me to but something is wrong" I am sure I sound crazy but the look in Niall's eyes, the look in my own eyes, haunts me. What do I do? I find my fingers restlessly rubbing the scars on my left wrist.

 

I sat on the couch and Louis sat in the recliner opposite me. I could feel him studying me from under his lashes. It made me feel even more edgy if that was even possible. From his expression, I knew he was trying to work out what was behind my crazy behaviour. I startled him when I suddenly leapt up and began to pace around the room. I held my head in my hands trying to block the thoughts that were terrifying me. What should I do? I'm so trapped.I can't tell Louis the truth and yet if I don't the result could be catastrophic . What do I do? I can't, I just can't..but if I don't........ The words are out of my mouth before I could stop them

 

"Lou, I can't stand it. I can't shake this feeling. I have to see Niall, now" I know I sound desperate. I am desperate."Lou, please. You have to drive me there or let me take your car. Please?"

 

Louis looked at me and, judging by the expression on his face, he must have thought I had gone insane. "Zee, it's the middle of the night, we can't go barging in on Niall. And for what reason, anyway. You need to calm down, mate"

 

"You have a key to his house don't you? Look, either you drive me or let me use your car and that key" I finally stopped my pacing and stood right in front of Lou. "Please Lou, we need to go and see Niall. I need to see Niall"

 

"Why? Why, Zayn? What's the desperate rush?" Louis demanded as he glared at me, a stubborn look on his face.

 

"I...I can't tell you. Please, you have to trust me." I am begging him now.

 

"You can't tell me. Yeah, you can't tell me anything" There is nothing but contempt in Louis' voice but I can hardly blame him . "What is so desperate that we go now? Come on, you tell me mate or I'm not shifting"

 

"Bro, please. I'm begging you. Look, I'll tell you but after I've seen Niall. But you'll have to swear to secrecy"

 

Louis looks at me so intently then sighing, picked up his wallet and his car keys. "This had better be good , mate, or believe me, you'll pay"

 

"I'm afraid I'll pay if we don't see Niall" was the only reply I gave him as I followed him to the car.

 

The drive to Niall's house was very tense.I was fidgeting the whole time, unable to keep still for a second. Louis kept giving me sidelong glances as he drove. I kept looking at my watch, willing Louis to drive even faster than his normally race like speed. I knew he was burning with curiosity but I couldn't think about what I had just promised. I could only think about seeing Niall. I had to see Niall.

 

Louis hadn't even stopped the car before I was out and running to the front door and using the key to get entry. The smell of strong alcohol burned my nose as I followed the smell, locating an empty bottle on the floor, resting amid a large puddle of whiskey. I look around, calling out Niall's name over and over again as I search the ground floor for him. Nothing. I race up the stairs, still calling his name, Louis hard on my heels.

 

"Niall's not here" Louis said as he came up behind me "You dragged me here and he's not around. Look mate, you are seriously deranged" 

 

But I'm not paying any attention to his complaints. I had spotted a foot and raced to the other side of the bed. Niall was on the floor. I scooped him up and laid him on the bed. Niall smelt very strongly from the drink he had consumed. He was barely conscious, obviously drunk , but that wasn't what worried me so badly.I had a sense of total deja vu as I looked around the room and at the floor where I had found Niall. The bottle of pills was there so I picked it up. Empty!

 

"Louis, go get a big glass of warm water, dissolve as much salt in it as you can. Go!" Louis looked first shocked then confused" Louis!" I shouted even louder "He's taken pills." It finally seemed to sink in and Louis went to dial the emergency services but I hurriedly stopped him. "No time, Louis move" Louis moved.

 

I swiftly lifted Niall into my arms and half dragged him to the bathroom. It was no time for being gentle and careful so I stuck my fingers into Niall's mouth until they touched the back of Niall's throat and his gag reflex immediately kicked in and Niall started to vomit the mix of alcohol and pills. Louis appeared with the salt water so I repeatedly forced a semi conscious Niall to drink the salty liquid, making him vomit again and again. I felt like I was torturing him with my cruelty but I still continued to force Niall to vomit until he was bringing up just clear water. Niall gradually began to become aware of what was happening and I was flooded with relief. "Thank god" I whispered."Oh , thank god.We weren't too late"

 

Louis helped lift Niall up from the floor and together we stripped off Niall's vomit soaked clothes and bathed him. Once we had him clean again, we carefully lifted him out of the bath tub , dried and dressed him then carried to his bed where he fell into a sleep. I sat next to him, holding one of his hands. I could feel my entire body was shaking with delayed shock, totally unable to help Louis as he cleared up the mess in the bathroom. I forced my eyes open when Louis came back into the bedroom.

 

"Zee, we should call an ambulance. He needs medical help" Louis told me.

 

"No! He'll be fine. A sore throat and stomach will be the worst of the physical pain. We were in time. Thank god. Louis, we might have been too late." My voice sounded raw and tears were sliding down my cheeks . Louis knelt in front of me and wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my head. "We can't call the emergence services, Lou. If the media find out about this, they'll destroy him. Oh god, what if we had been too late" the horror of that thought was still with me.

 

"Thanks to you, we weren't though" Louis whispered, his own face as ashen as Niall's had been . "Are you sure he'll be OK?"

 

"We didn't have time , Lou. The hospital would have pumped his stomach. I just did it with salt water."

 

"But....." Louis started but I had to stop him.

 

"No bro, this is for the best.Trust me"

 

""Zee, I trusted you for this and I'm glad I did. But you need to trust me too, please tell me what you've been hiding"

 

I looked down at the sleeping form of my former bandmate. Niall looked even smaller than normal, face pale but peaceful as he slept. Louis had believed in him enough to bring him here and Niall was safe. I carefully stretched out my hand and gently brushed Niall's hair from his forehead . Taking a deep breath, I looked across at Louis. "You'll have to promise to keep this to yourself. Just you and the lads can know. Promise?"

 

Louis made the 'cross my heart" gesture and patiently waited for me to continue.Louis had done what I had asked and now I had to trust him to keep the secret. So much depended on his silence. I took a deep breath............

 

"Well, you remember when I went to Los Angeles........................."

I told Louis everything...almost. My depression , the way I could no longer cope and begged Simon to let me fly home to rest. Then the part of the story he didn't know. How Management had told me I was not rejoining the band. I was out. Finito. Done. Louis looked dumbstruck but he still didn't know the worst of it. And there was no gentle way to prepare him. The stark truth that Niall had suffered more than they had known by my leaving. I didn't sugar coat it. I told Louis that this was not the first time Niall had attempted to take his own life. And I was responsible for the first attempt. I hung my head expecting Louis to scream at me, throw nothing but hate at me. I waited ........and warm arms wrapped around me. He said one word, just one word... "Bro" ...and that was it. The comfort and forgiveness I so badly needed at that moment , washed over me with that one word.

 

We all watched as Niall slowly recovered and once more seemed ready to face the world. He had promised me that he'd always talk to me if ever he felt that bad ever again and extracted the same promise from me. I could only hope that I would be able to keep my promise. I wondered if Niall would keep the secret of my suicide attempt as faithfully as I had kept his? I had gotten careless and he'd seen the scars on my wrists. Management had been furious with me and gone to great lengths to cover up that little episode. And not because they cared about me ...or my reputation. It was all about the media perception. We weren't allowed to be human. We had to be Perfect. I wondered if that was the real meaning behind one of the boy's latest hits. So first Niall, then me, our cries for help had been swept aside. I was sure that Niall would be fine. He had the boys to support him. And I had.................no one. Not any more. But then, I was the bad boy, wasn't I? I got what I deserved.

 

Once Niall had his feet back under him, I knew it had been time to leave. I had managed to avoid anyone ,apart from the lads , knowing I had been in the country. Never mind that I had spent several weeks with the lads. How we had not been caught by either fans or paps had been a miracle but one that I had been more than just grateful to receive. Management had promised that things would be bad for me if ever they found I had contacted the boys. They had changed their phone numbers so I'd not be tempted. Not bright though, they forgot to remove my number from the boys. I smirked slightly as I walked onto the plane bound for LAX. I was heading out of the UK and out of their lives once more. Heading to what though? I ponder that thought as the plane flies towards my new home. I was already missing the lads. At least now, they knew the truth and hopefully understood that deserting them hadn't been what I had intended. They were also now equally bound to silence but within that silence rested the truth.I smiled slightly then gave myself up to sleep.

 

I am so sick of the media lies. I have been back in LA for several weeks now and every day there seems to be a new rumour that they swear is the gospel truth. I'll always love Perrie in some way but the media are making her out to be some poor betrayed girl. They claim I dumped her by text. I may be many things but a coward isn't one of them. I won't be telling anyone why I ended our engagement but I'd never disrespect Perrie by breaking things off by text. But lies sell media rubbish. They don't have a clue what our lives were like behind closed doors. Neither of us are going to say. And I only have to smile at a woman and I'm chasing after her according to the paps. Every girl I am photographed with is supposedly my girlfriend. Group photographs are cropped to present me in the worst light. Who ever said a photograph never lies has never heard of photoshopping. I start to hide away more and more. Disappearing from the world. I embrace the solitude. I have my good friend with me. I pull it out of the bathroom cabinet and run it slowly across my arm, leaving a thin red line in its wake. It might almost blend in with the tattoos that surround it. I draw another line with the blade, smiling to myself even though I am hissing through my teeth with the pain. I study my arm intently and raise the small blade again. More pain, more thin red lines, more actually feeling like I am alive. I sit back on my heels as that thought grabs my attention.I'm not sure how long I stay that way until the ringing of my cell phone brings me back to the present.

Now what the f.ck does he want? Zayn wondered as he looked at the caller ID. He'd made it pretty clear that all ties between them had to be broken, so why was he suddenly calling. God. Niall!!!! He quickly answered the phone.

 

"Zayn?"

 

"Yeah, what's wrong? Why are you calling? Is Ni all right? What's happened? Ple....."

 

"Zayn, shut up and listen" came the stern reply. Give me a chance to tell you. Look, the boys just did an interview on TV to release the news about Niall having MS ,and someone, somewhere, had tipped off the media that Niall had attempted suicide and that you had saved him"

 

"But how?" Zayn wanted to know "Management had that well and truly buried and nobody would have leaked that info".

 

"It wasn't the time in Hong Kong, Zayn, it was more recently than that" came the terse response.

 

"But...that's crazy...how would anyone know?" Zayn sounded bewildered. He and the lads had been so careful. 

 

"Looks like someone overheard Niall telling his family and went straight to the press. It was banner headlines with our 'favorite' newspaper"

 

"F'ck". It was silent for a few moments then Zayn spoke again " What do they know?"

 

"Nothing concrete. The press have a grainy picture of you and Louis at the airport but, to be honest, it could be any two men hugging. Then there's the reported conversation with Niall's family. Again, no actual proof".

 

"What's happening?" Zayn 's breathing was becoming more rapid as his anxiety increased.

 

"The boys have been called into Management. It won't be pretty. Look, I have to go. Just thought I'd give you a heads up. Keep your head down and avoid the media. I'll be in touch". and with that , the call was terminated.

 

Zayn stood up , gripping onto the bathroom sink as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Hair a mess, dark shadows under his eyes and beard shaggy. How did life get so f.cked up? He turned on the faucet and splashed cold water onto his face then caught sight of the the thin, bleeding lines on his arms. He washed his arms roughly, cringing slightly as the burning pain. He pulled his sleeves down and exited the bathroom, heading into his small office and booted up his laptop. Quickly he googled everything recent about Niall and the boys. They'd crucify Niall, was his only though. He had to stop the media from doing it. But how? He pushed his phone into his back pocket and raced out the french doors and into the forest behind his home. He needed to be alone. He needed time to think. Suddenly exhausted, he flopped down and leant his back against the rough bark of a huge tree. The media had to be stopped, his little brother had to be protected at all costs. How? How? How? was all his mind could think. He was in turmoil.

 

It may have been hours, it may have only been minutes but Zayn suddenly became aware that he was rubbing the white scars that marred the normally tanned skin. His fingers tracing over the slightly raised surfaces. He stared down at at fingers of his right hand as it slowly caressed the thick scar on his left wrist. Reminders of his own stupidity. That little episode was well covered up by Management. Absolutely nobody knew about that. There had been rumours but no proof. His mind suddenly cleared. Rumours but no proof. Niall... rumours but no proof. But Zayn did have proof. He had scars! A bitter smile swept over his face. Pills leave no trace but blades do. Of Course! He knew what he had to do. He pulled out his phone and placed the call:

 

Niall's phone buzzed and he looked at the caller ID. "Hello.....................................He listened intently to the caller " No, you can't do that. Please, I wouldn't let you. You can't do that.....please" Niall's tone was begging but the call had already been terminated. Niall looked at his bandmates, shock and disbelief etched on his face.

 

Zayn let out the breath he'd been holding and rolled his shoulders around to try and release the tension between his shoulder blades, he then placed another call.After talking for what seemed like hours, he finally hung up and, scrambling to his feet, he headed the short distance back to his home. His phone started to ring so he looked at the caller ID. He shoved it back into his pocket unanswered. The ringing stopped, only to be resumed immediately, then the text messages started coming through. Sighing quietly, he turned his phone off. His mind was made up and nothing, but nothing , was going to deter him from his decision. He'd protect his little 'brother' with his life. He went to the bar and pulled out a bottle of Scotch and poured out a large amount into a tumbler. He knocked it back in one go then poured another before lighting a cigarette and sinking down onto the couch. He had to plan carefully. He had to make sure that Niall was not implicated in any way. Management must never know about his recent involvement. He leant back, tilting his head towards the ceiling, blowing lazy smoke rings as he thought through his scheme.


End file.
